A while back, I wrote an article on how to discuss money with your children at different stages of their lives. As we get older and our children become adults, one of the best ways to have this discussion is to hold a moderated family meeting. This is one of my favorite things to do with clients. Adult children need to understand the complexities (or lack of) for your estate. As I’ve mentioned before, even under the best of circumstances with the best planning, settling a loved one’s estate can still be a burden for the executors/executrixes. To say, well, I’ll be gone, so it’s their problem, is frankly a copout. If you love your family, don’t make their lives harder than they need to be, especially during their time of grief.
So, what does a family meeting look like? Typically, we have the whole family come in. Those who live far away may join via Zoom. It is our job to act as the moderator of the discussion. Many times, we don’t get into the full details of how much the parents have, but rather the types of assets, where they are, and how the estate is currently going to be distributed upon the parents' passing. It is important to note that these plans may change over time, and future meetings should be held to reflect that.
This is the part where many of you just bristled a bit at what I just said. There is a natural tendency not to want to discuss these things with your family in order to not stir up any potential conflicts. Here is the issue with that line of thinking, however, conflict may happen either way, whether you discuss it now, or they do after you are gone. At least by having a meeting today with a moderator, you can often minimize those conflicts. Again, we don’t have to talk about the details with your money, but this is your opportunity to discuss your wishes with your family regarding what you want them to do with the money. Maybe not exactly, but how you’d like to see them benefit from it. Do you want them to be more charitably inclined? Do you want them to focus on paying for your grandkid’s education?
This is your chance to put some context around your wishes for what they might do with an inheritance. These wishes may or may not be carried out, but at least they will understand your wishes and why you are leaving behind the estate the way you’ve chosen. There are ways of ensuring that the money is used exactly the way you want, but that’s a discussion for a different day.
Having a moderated family meeting regarding your estate plan can help to get everyone on the same page, potentially reduce conflicts, and, not insignificantly, help reduce the stress heirs sometimes feel about what they should or shouldn’t be doing with an inheritance.
Frequently Asked Questions About Filing for Social Security Benefits
1. What is a family estate meeting and why is it important?
A family estate meeting is a structured conversation—often led by a financial advisor—where parents and their adult children discuss the overall estate plan. The goal is to help everyone understand the types of assets, how they are organized, and the general plan for distribution. These meetings can reduce confusion, minimize future conflict, and ease the burden on loved ones during an already difficult time.
2. Do I have to share specific financial details with my children?
No. These meetings don’t require you to disclose exact dollar amounts. Instead, the focus is typically on the structure of your estate—what assets exist, where they are held, and how they are intended to be distributed. This provides clarity without requiring full financial transparency.
3. What if discussing my estate causes conflict within my family?
Avoiding the conversation doesn’t eliminate the risk of conflict—it often just delays it. A moderated meeting creates a safe, structured environment to address questions and expectations ahead of time. This can actually reduce misunderstandings and disagreements later on.
4. What should be discussed during a family estate meeting?
In addition to outlining the estate structure, this is an opportunity to communicate your values and intentions. For example, you may want to express wishes around charitable giving, education for grandchildren, or general financial responsibility. Even if these wishes aren’t legally binding, they provide meaningful guidance and context for your family.